Sometimes I have to stop posting about my challenges, and do a little bit of thinking.
It's rare, but it happens. A little thought is a dangerous thing. In Socrates' case, it got him killed. I'm not going to take my philosophy to that level, but it's a good idea to think about the things you do. It makes you better. Even something as mundane as eating requires a strategy.
Going about anything without putting a thought behind it is a hard road to nowhere. And I don't intend on middling on to oblivion. I detest obscurity. Excellence requires an idea.
Each type of food poses its own difficulty for consumption. Some foods are a lot easier to chew and swallow than others. Some foods are easy to consume in massive doses. Others - not so much.
Take ice cream. It's pretty easy to eat - much easier than steak or pizza. You put it in your mouth, negotiate it a little bit, and swallow. Repeat as necessary. I once took down two massive ice cream challenges in a period of five hours. The weight consumed in that time frame was about 9 lbs. I don't think I would have succeeded in eating the same amount of hamburger meat or bread in five hours.
Ice cream does pose problems though. It is usually milk-based - so naturally I felt a little bit nauseated from all the lactose I threw into my system. It's also incredibly cold when served, so you might have to stop every once in a while to overcome brain freeze. Then there's the issue of "freezing" your mouth. It's a good idea to have some hot water handy when attempting to eat loads of ice cream. I've learned from experience that massive loads of ice cream can make your teeth ache.
Meats require more careful chewing, especially if you're hoping to avoid any choking scenarios. All that chewing will make you tired and irritable. I have a feeling that people often give up on large steak/burger challenges simply because they lack the stamina and jaw endurance to go on. I've never eaten a set portion of meat larger than 44 oz, and let me tell you, it takes a lot more out of you than eating the cold stuff!
Breads, starches and other carbohydrates (rice, tortillas, pizza crust, pancakes) are the toughest of all in my opinion. These foods tend to expand in your gut, and it's tough to go on when you feel that you're about to burst. Fiber-rich foods are also extremely filling. Avoid whole-wheat challenges at all costs!
Joking aside, it is common practice for serious eaters to soak breads in water to ease the chewing process. This may help, but it makes a huge mess. It also causes you to take in more fluid than usual, thereby taking up precious space in the stomach cavity that might be needed later on.
Fruits and vegetables seem easy to eat, but I have no experience eating them en masse. I'm not about to try, either, because I can only imagine the effects on my digestive tract.
Liquids are easier than solids, since you can drink 8 lbs (roughly one gallon of water) a lot faster than you can bite, chew, and swallow it in food form. Many people (not me) have successfully drank a gallon of milk or water in under a minute. You'll never achieve that rate with pure solids.
Finally, it's always more difficult to eat a food in large quantities. You really get sick of the taste, especially if it wasn't that appealing to begin with. Nothing tastes good forever - it's just the law of diminishing returns. The first bite of pizza may taste like Heaven, but the last bites will always taste like Hell. It's harder to eat when you're full. Your body's telling you to stop, but the competitive mind urges you to fight on.
All this thinking is making me tired - and hungry. I'm going to go eat.
Pizza is one of those foods that people just love. It's junk food. It's comfort food. It is convenience: tomato sauce, cheese, and bread, in one easy-to-carry package.
It's one of those foods that people often eat in large helpings. But, anyone who claims to have eaten a lot of pizza - and there's a people out there who claim this - needs to stop by Big Mama & Papa's Pizzeria in Los Angeles to put their experience into perspective.
This pizza chain sells a 'pie' that is a whopping 54 inches by 54 inches. It's a square, technically, so math geeks would cringe at me calling it a pie, since pies are round... but I digress.
This massive pizza is called the Grand Sicilian. It begins with over 29 lbs of dough.... add the necessary fat, layers of sauce and cheese, and any other toppings you like, and you're looking at a culinary monstrosity that easily tops the 50 lb mark.
Their website claims it is the largest deliverable pizza in the world. I'm not here to debate that statement. I do know it would take a flatbed to bring this beast to anyone's house.
Any party or social gathering would be well-fed if they ordered this thing. It is cut into roughly 154 squares, and if you offered every person 2-3, you arrive at the website's suggestion that it would feed 50-70 people. Yikes!
The Hollywood Blvd. location is bold enough to offer up this pizza as a team eating challenge. It began as a 4-man affair: put it away in two hours, and you get the pizza free ($250 value), along with a $1000 bounty.
That's a lot of money to put up, but then again, it's a lot of pizza! Especially considering that the challenge must be done with one topping.... when you're talking about loading 2,916 square inches with an extra layer, you add substantial weight. The restaurant thought had a safe bet going.
And they were right! There were no successes. Not even close. So it was upped to five men..... then six.
On October 3, 2009, I joined five other big-eating individuals in an attempt to take down this challenge. We would be making eating history. We would be the first to tame this raging cheese monster.
We were amazed at the vast size of the thing when it came out to our table! It was as big as a chunk of sidewalk. A small person could crawl under it and use it as a blanket. It could have probably fed an entire elementary school - and then some.
We ate like threshers for a solid two hours. It tasted much better in the beginning, as most eating challenges go. It was incredibly rock-hard after it cooled down. In the end, the pizza proved victorious. There were 23 squares left - we had come closer than any team thus far. We made history alright, just not the particular kind we were looking for.
All six of us left the restaurant feeling very full and a little bit disappointed... so close but not close enough!
I would actually need to rest on the sidewalk (read: lie down) before finally getting in my car for the drive home.
There is one piece of silver lining: I set a personal record for consumption. My scale at home told me that I had packed in an extra 17 lbs of weight. Even accounting for the liquids I drank, it was remarkable.
It would be a long time before I'd want to eat pizza again.
The coming of summer brings with it a few predictable things. Hot weather, ice cream, a rise in the homicide rate, and slashed prices on beach clothing.
And, of course, Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Candidates for this long-running hot dog championship are picked from regional qualifiers held in the months of May and June in different venues across the United States. Eating hopefuls travel far and wide in the hopes of winning a coveted spot in the finals. The finals are held in Coney Island, New York on July 4th every year. For the past several years, ESPN has actually televised the proceedings for anyone disturbed enough to watch.
The reigning champion is the American Joey Chestnut, who most recently (2009) inhaled 69 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes to take the Mustard Belt.
Speed contests are not really my thing, as I mentioned in my first post. The problem is that I'm not good at them... I just can't swallow the food that fast. I really wish I could, because that's where all the fame and money is in competitive eating. Chestnut and a few guys (and girls) in his caliber have actually earned some decent money by eating freakishly fast under contest conditions.
I participated in two Nathan's qualifiers last year, but couldn't do any better than 7 dogs and buns in the 10 minute run. I constantly felt that I biting off more than I could chew. Ironically, I was almost glad when each contest ended.
Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contests - like many other organized eating competitions - are administered under the leadership of the International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE). The IFOCE is probably the most recognized official body for professional eating contests in the known world. Virtually all of their contests are "speed eating contests," in which the winner is the contestant who eats the most units of contest food in a set time limit - usually no more than 10 or 12 minutes.
Thus far, I have not attracted membership in the IFOCE. My contest performances haven't warranted their attention thus far. I hope to put up better numbers in the upcoming 2010 qualifying season. It would be cool to become a member of the IFOCE.... it's recognition of my ability, and it puts me in the same class as professionals.
However, I really don't know if it would really benefit me. I'm nowhere near the ability required to defeat the top talents and win money at events. I would simply languish in the bottom of the rankings. Moreover, per their contract clauses, I would be barred from doing unsanctioned restaurant challenges. That's where I thrive as an eater! I am the master of distance consumption.... I value that independence!
Whatever happens, I'm going to have fun on the Nathan's contest stage. It's fun to run up there, as they announce your name - like you're some kind of celebrity or athlete - looking out at your cheering fans.
A week ago, I decided to visit Sizzler and sample the food from their all-you-can-eat buffet. I knew they ran a bunch of $10 promotions that gave you access to their buffet, but I never really took them up on their offer. I know a lot of people have a rap against Sizzler - it's allegedly not the best steakhouse out there - but I generally insist on trying these things for myself. Tastes vary.
Besides, anyone with my appetite tends to favor quantity over quality. But getting both together would be the best of both worlds! I have yet to visit an affordable buffet that really does provide both. And, no, I don't consider a buffet that charges $30 to be a budget experience!
Sizzler provides a quiet, clean ambiance. I enjoyed being able to sit at my table and eat in peace. The plate policy of the location I visited in San Bernardino was annoying however; I could not revisit the endless buffet until I received a new plate from the waiter. I was told that it was a health code violation. Maybe it's a San Bernardino thing.... I don't know, but it slowed me down. I resolved the problem by walking over to the kitchen and switching my dirty plates for new, shiny, clean ones.
When you have a stomach to fill, you just can't wait to get more grub.
As for the food.... it's decent. Some of it is average quality, some of it is quite good. There aren't many meat products on the buffet unless you count the heavily-dressed seafood salads or the taco bar. Green salads are the big star. Desserts are limited. Bread is plentiful. Fried foods are there for the taking.
I think I ate a respectable amount of food that day:
Green peas
Creamed Brocolli
Salsa.
The salsa was hot as hell in places (thank you, jalapenos), but the creamy broccoli really hit the spot. It had a smooth taste that hid the famous sulfurous burn.
My second plate was the actual meal I ordered: 6 oz steak with a baked potato. I didn't think the steak was all that bad! I liked it, but I wouldn't have spent $10 on it. There must be some reason they thrown in a buffet ticket with this meal, right?
The bread was scrumptious, but maybe buttered a bit much for my taste. I would have preferred something with whole wheat in it.
Plate 3: Beef nachos with guacamole and dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets.
It's never too late to revisit your childhood, but McDonald's does a better job on the fried pieces of chicken. I appreciated the dinosaur shapes.
Plate 4 featured a generous helping of imitation crab salad, along with macaroni salad and green beans. Even when you eat like a madman, you still gotta get your greens in! I liked them, as they weren't too salty.
The crab salad was VERY meaty. The crab-sticks probably accounted for most of the entire item's volume. It had a balanced flavor between the fish and the globs of dressing thrown all over it.
On Plate 5, I went for the "American" food section and loaded up on spaghetti and macaroni (OK, maybe those foods have Italian origins). I customized my noodles with marinara sauce and taco meat. I thought the taco meat looked better than the meatballs, frankly. The taste was outstanding. I could have eaten plates of this pasta! The Mac'n'cheese didn't disappoint either. It was better than most of the instant or boxed
stuff I'd eaten in past years. Salty, yes, but absolutely palatable.
Plate 6 = potato salad, fried zucchini (my first time), onion rings, tuna salad, and corn.
The potato salad was as good as the stuff you get in the supermarket. the rest was rather mediocre, except the onion rings, which had a sweet and crunchy balance going on. I would go back for more.
Plate 7 was a sweet plate, pulled from the outer edge of the buffet. Strawberry yogurt, cottage cheese, chocolate pudding, and chocolate mousse... with a single peach slice thrown in.
They make some good chocolate mousse at Sizzler. The rest of the stuff was pretty standard.
Plate 8 featured more onion rings, pound cake, strawberry jello, chocolate pudding with whipping cream (and pound cake underneath). I also threw in a small dish of vanilla soft serve. I think the pound cake was the star of this dish. Moist, sweet, and thick, it had everything I ask for in a cake dessert. I just wish they put out more of it at one time!
Plate 9 brought me back to savory foods. Beef nachos again, more chicken nuggets, a chicken wing, and sweet potato fries... I threw in a cup full of chocolate pudding and mousse on the side.
The chicken was juicy, but mostly fat. I would not recommend getting your wing fix at Sizzler!
Plate 10..... a cup full of soft serve, and a pudding cup with pound cake.
The cake really was that good! And a make a point of eating a lot of soft serve at the end of a meal. I find that my tolerance for it can be high.
Plate 11: Chocolate soft serve and pound cake with chocolate syrup.
You now I must have enjoyed these sweets to keep going back for them. They were a decent way of capping off a gargantuan feast. I recommend that you all do the same! The sweet stuff really helps balance out the salty taste from all the savory items.
Overall, I enjoyed my buffet experience. The food wasn't stellar. But, there was a lot to choose from and it changes the pace from the fare I typically get from Hometown Buffet.
The buffet didn't sizzle, but it certainly delivered.
A few days ago, I decided to compile a list of all the eating challenges I’ve ever attempted in the past few years. I thought about posting it here in its entirety, but I felt that it would bore most people out of their minds.
My goal is to entertain people with pictures and stories of what I do. I don’t really need to toot my own horn. I know that I’ve completed many challenges. I know that some of my successful challenges were supremely difficult.
Then again, the whole point of having a blog dedicated to eating challenges is to toot my own horn. I want my “accomplishments” to be known. I don’t want people coming away thinking, “This guy just started. This guy’s unknown. He hasn’t done anything worth my attention. Why should I read anything he has to say?”
Sigh… it’s a balancing act on my part. I imagine at some point in the future I will post my challenges list, in whole or in several parts. For now I would like to take a moment and reflect upon what I do.
To put it simply, I like to test my ability to consume large portions of food. Restaurants help this habit along by offering ridiculously oversized meal items that I happily order and try to consume.
Whatever the psychology behind it is, I feel a sense of accomplishment at being able to completely devour meals that 4-6 persons would find difficult to share. I could call it finding my skill – my niche. A few weeks ago, while at a buffet, I casually noticed that I consumed more food than the family of six seated next to me.
So why do restaurants offer these oversized meals at all? Why do they present “eat-it-all-and-it’s-free” promotions?
Obviously, nobody needs to consume 44-oz of hamburger meat in sitting…. or 6 pounds or burrito. There’s no way your body can make use of all the nutrients contained in the food. In most individuals, the result would be digestive issues and weight gain. The vast majority of eaters would not even succeed in the task at hand.
Eating establishments sell monumental portions, I believe, to generate business. There’s a chance that people might come from miles away to visit a restaurant that sells a humungous hamburger or a mountainous ice cream sundae. I can testify from experience to this possibility!
Secondly, the “eat-it-all-for-free” promotion is usually a sucker’s bet. Very few people are capable of finishing the portion sizes presented by a restaurant for a challenge. The eating establishment makes lots of money on the failed trials. Successes are few and far between – the free food actually given out pales in comparison to the generated business. Restaurants potentially make a killing off eating challenges. At the very least, it’s a good advertising gimmick.
I don’t mind so much, because I’ve actually managed to eat many a meal on the house.
Of course, I don’t need the incentive of a free meal to take on an eating ‘challenge.’ I’ve consumed some meals for small prizes, such as a free hat or t-shirt, or my picture on the restaurant’s “Wall of Fame.” The restaurants get an even better deal here, since the ‘free’ merchandise or a photograph is less costly than the food they sell.
I’ve also consumed many grotesque meals that did not offer a prize of any kind. I consider any huge item of food a challenge! I could probably conclude that eating is a bit like the sport of hunting: the thrill is in the chase. We eat for the sake of digestive conquest. There’s no greater motivation required.
At this point, I’ve attempted 61 total ‘challenges’ and completed 55 of them for a total success rate of 90.2%. For me, failure to consume has been a rare event. I see failure as an enticement to push harder next time around. And I always do.
Sometimes I can't find a proper eating challenge. Or.... I've finished all the ones close by and I don't feel like a trek. I'll just head to a buffet and make my own challenge.
I frequented the "Asia Buffet" in Buena Park recently for this purpose. I'd never been there before, but I was instantly impressed with the quality and variety of the food present there.
Hometown Buffet has an awesome weekend breakfast promotion going right now - who can beat a bottomless breakfast for $5 - you know I'll be going there soon.
I had the cravings for something different. Something.... from the sea. And not moving. I would need an Asian buffet.
Let's get a look at what I ate for an early lunch:
I started off with a collection of salt 'n' pepper shrimp and a bunch of different sushi pieces. Note the dab of wasabi and strip of sashimi on the plate on the right. I love hot food in moderate doses. Wasabi is a good kick in the sinuses, but it goes away pretty fast!
The shrimp was salty but tasty. The sushi was absolutely awesome. There were at least 24 pieces of sushi on the pictured plate.
I almost couldn't believe that a buffet can sell sushi this way and be profitable.
I thought I died and went to Heaven.
Paradise. Nirvana. Somewhere.
Was this place making money!?
I guess they must have been. They wouldn't have opened the doors that morning, or have so employees on the staff.
The number of workers was astounding to me. I hoped none of them were watching me too closely.
My second round consisted of more sushi - at least another dozen pieces. Dragon rolls, eel rolls, crab rolls, and some California rolls. More good stuff. The orange chicken was sweet and spicy, not stellar, but definitely better than most buffet versions. The chicken they used was actually quite lean.
Here's some whitefish - I took three large slabs. It was fatty in sections, but for the most part it was bland and non-memorable. I definitely prefer some tilapia!
I also packed away some deep-fried shrimp and sesame balls. I love the taste and texture of the bean paste you find in these fried flour lumps. I know they're not healthy for you, but they're too good to pass up. The deep-fried shrimp was decent. But I did not have much taste for the thick coating.
I got a break from the salty and savory by sampling the buffet's fruit platter. Mandarin oranges, glazed bananas, strawberries with cream, and two kinds of pudding: chocolate and tapioca. These plates were heavy, but they were incredibly sweet. I do not regret them one bit(e).
The large chunk of pink salmon on the left was very difficult to get through. It was a nice, lean sample of fish - but bland!! I needed to use soy sauce and water to finally get through it. The sushi and sesame balls were a rerun at this point, but I had to get my fix for them while I was still in the restaurant. I think I consumed around 36 pieces of sushi during this visit.
And I always cap things off with dessert - an entire plate or two of sugary goodness. I found these sweets delectable, but certainly nothing out of this world. I liked the little chocolate cake squares. I probably could have lived without the little pie cubes. The chocolate soft serve was.... well, COLD!
But it didn't prevent me from finishing my last few bites. I really enjoyed this buffet, and I know I'll be back. But not until I develop my taste for this kind of food again.
I'm getting a little full just looking at these pictures.
In the beginning, there was a burrito. It wasn’t just any burrito. This was a mythical burrito. People told stories about this burrito. This burrito was the prototypical burrito, from which all other, lesser burritos would be made.
This burrito weighed in at a massive FIVE POUNDS.
Okay, so I know that bigger burritos do exist (and I’ve even eaten a couple), but this was my first official restaurant eating challenge.
A co-worker told me about the small restaurant in Anaheim, called La Casa Garcia, that offered up this particular challenge. We speculated among several co-workers that I might be able to consume the huge burrito in one sitting. The payoff would be a meal on the house, courtesy of Mr. Garcia.
We had no idea if I could really do it. My eating prowess was established as fact following several after-work trips to Hometown Buffet. I could easily eat as much food as 4-5 colleagues combined.
This is where all the remarks of “you should be a pro eater” originated.
If anyone stood a chance of eating the King Ranch Burrito in one sitting, it was I.
And if I couldn’t do it, well, then all of this “pro eater” talk would definitely go away.
--
We finally decided to gather up our friends and head over to La Casa Garcia.
The date was October 2, 2007. The time was 7:22 PM. This evening would live forever in infamy.
I would conquer the monster burrito, or the burrito would conquer me.
I was determined not to give up without a fight. I would eat until I could eat no more.
But first things first, we had to get to the place and put in our order.
There’s always an aura of mythology surrounding a restaurant with an eating challenge. This has got to be some special place, right? Offering free food is a crazy novelty, after all.
I’ve always had the same feelings of wonderment and adventure when frequenting a restaurant with an official challenge.
But, for the most part, they’re all just regular eating establishments. No blood dripping from the ceiling. No zombie waiters.
Stepping inside the restaurant’s door usually dispels the wondrous aura. I discover it’s just an ordinary eatery. It’s usually a hole-in-the-wall or a small chain location. The food might be wonderful, or the food might be mediocre.
The story with La Casa Garcia was no different, but it was the first. So it holds a special place in my hungry heart.
We walked in and took seats at a large rectangular table. It was a small, charming restaurant. The tables were covered in white cloth, silverware was bundled in those little white napkins, and candles were alight. The waitress brought us several baskets of house tortilla chips and little dishes of salsa.
The chips and salsa looked delicious. But I wasn’t wasting my appetite just yet.
The waitress was very courteous. She brought us large plastic cups full of ice water and menus. It didn’t take me long to find the item I wanted: THE 5 LB KING RANCH BURRITO: Refried beans, lettuce, tomatoes, ground beef, cheddar cheese, and cilantro in a large set of flour tortillas, drenched in enchilada sauce and garnished with sour cream and guacamole…. my dance with destiny was set.
When the waitress returned to take our orders, I let my friends go first. Then I placed my order – I think I was looking for dramatic effect by going last. Or maybe I was just shy.
I doubted people ordered this burrito very often.
But to be fair, I only attempted to place my order… because the waitress was trying to talk me out of it.
“Oh, no,” she said with wide eyes. “The King is too big. You’re a small… thin person. You can’t eat it all. You should get something else!”
This was a story that would become familiar with the passage of time.
People often equate a person’s weight or waist size with propensity for food consumption. I guess it makes some sense, since you have to eat a lot to become overweight or add mass to your waistline.
The truth is that the ability to consume large quantities of food has more to do with the elasticity of the human stomach. Some stomachs can “stretch out” more than others.
I suppose it’s a little like filling a balloon with water, or putting air in a tire.
Some can stretch a bit, and some can stretch a lot more. It’s another example of why we can’t judge books by their covers. Few people believe I can eat as much as I actually can.
I insisted on ordering the King Ranch Burrito.
“Don’t worry, I want to try it,” and I handed her my menu.
I thought it was a little weird that the waitress was trying to talk me out of ordering a $13.95 menu item. Aren’t employees supposed to increase sales for their companies?!
We waited and made small talk while waiting for our food to arrive. It was funny at the time, but I was dressed properly for my competitive eating debut. I had joined my friends right after my day of student-teaching had ended. I was sitting there in an orange dress shirt and red tie, waiting for my burrito.
One friend joked that I dressed up specifically for this burrito challenge.
My friends received their food in a few minutes’ time. Everything looked swell.
Then the waitress brought out my meal. She carried the tray with two hands, hoisting what looked like an orange football at shoulder level. She walked over to my section of the table and set down the platter in front of me.
All of the people at the adjoining table stared open-mouthed at the object on the platter. The children at the table behind me stopped eating to get a look at the burrito. I had unwittingly became the spectacle of the whole restaurant (I'm used to this by now).
“This is the King!” she declared.
One of my friends asked how often this challenge had been completed.
“There’s been eight men in the last twenty years,” she replied confidently. “Enjoy!”
I’d never seen anything as large or intimidating as this thing on my plate. It more closely resembled a wet football than any actual portion of Mexican cuisine.
The dollops of sour cream and guacamole adjoining the burrito were huge. They might have been a half-pound each. This might well have been more than a 5-lb meal. It looked like more than I had bargained for.
I decided to tackle the burrito with a little bit of strategy. I would just eat it slowly and steadily, cutting off small chunks with my fork and knife and using the sour cream and guacamole to get them down. I would actually not drink one drop of water during the meal itself. I was worried that the water would take up precious room.
I took my first bite – and wow! It was absolutely delicious. It probably helped that I was famished at that point. I hadn’t eaten in several hours. I figured that going in hungry would work in my favor. I kept eating, just taking bite after bite.
My friends began to make surprised comments at the half-way mark.
“Dude, you’re not normal. No one should be able to eat that much food.”
“That’s not human!”
“You’re not mortal!”
But they just continued to watch me in absolute fascination. It’s always intrigued me that people can actually get their kicks watching someone eat. I guess I play into it…. but I don’t let it distract me. I just do my thing - I keep eating!
By the time I reached the 75% mark, I began to feel unbearably full. I couldn’t come this far and fail.
Even if it was painful, I had to truck on.
Chewing was becoming a chore by now. My mouth was hardly producing saliva. It’s probably my body’s way of telling me to stop eating. I had felt this sensation before, but never with the intensity that I was feeling now.
I reached the 90% mark after another ten minutes of chewing and swallowing. It was really getting tough! My rate of consumption was slowing down to a crawl.
I looked down at my plate…. the soggy chunk of burrito was practically laughing at me. It was no bigger than an ordinary-sized burrito from Taco Bell or Del Taco.
I couldn’t let this thing get me down!
I would not give up.
I took another bite. As I chewed and swallowed, I felt the sudden urge to “reverse.” It’s not a good feeling when food wants to come back up the pipe.
I carefully chewed and swallowed the remaining four bites of food, simultaneously fighting the urge to purge while getting more into the system.
It was tough work, but it’s a skill every competitive eater needs to have!
The waitress had come by several times, each time impressed with my progress and composure.
When she came by after my successful completion, she was amazed.
I had been eating for virtually an entire hour. It was no speed run. But I got it done.
“The burrito is free!”
My friends erupted into cheers and applause. The people at the next table congratulated me on my feat.
“You’re the man,” said one burly guy at the adjoining table. He ordered the King Ranch Burrito after seeing the platter delivered to me. He only got half-way before throwing in the towel.
I felt like The Man after finishing the King Ranch Burrito. I actually drank two of the salsa dishes in celebration. I was burning my mouth, but I was on top the world.
I joked with my friends that we should get dessert…. they were absolutely horrified at this point. I was only joking, but still. They couldn’t believe that I could even think about food at that moment.
My friends speculated on the nutritional content of the meal I had just consumed. Judging from the average 500 calories present in a half-pound burrito, I must have taken in around 5,000 calories (since 5 lbs is just 80 oz, or ten half-pound burritos). It was a feat alright!
I was incredibly full the next day. I don’t think I’d ever felt that STUFFED before! I couldn’t eat until almost 6 PM the next night. It took me a couple days to really get back to properly eating again. But it made some sense, I suppose – I had eaten the average calorie count of nearly 2 ½ days in just one meal.
What can we say about five pounds in one shot? I bet some people don’t even eat five solid pounds in a week.
My digestive system was no doubt overworked.
It was no surprise that I had trouble sleeping that first night!
My friends were convinced about my eating abilities. I had broken the great burrito. My first challenge had been conquered! But it would be a long while I took on my next one. I don’t really know why.
Speculation began regarding my possibly nickname. I was the ninth man to complete the burrito at the restaurant’s original location on State College, so a few monikers were predictable:
The Burrito Killer.
Niner.
Number 9.
Nine Out of Twenty.
We also joked about making a custom jersey or title belt noting my accomplishment. That never happened.
None of those nicknames ever really stuck, either. That’s probably a good thing.
Anyone who has actually watched me eat might find this hard to believe. Or maybe hard to stomach.
Tales of me are great and they are exaggerated. One friend suspected that I lived off a diet of 5-lb burritos, 12-egg omelets, 44-oz burgers, 20" pizzas, and 2-liter soda bottles.
It's the same story every time.... someone would see me eat one outlandish meal, and they would extrapolate that into my lifestyle. How else could I maintain my large consumption capacity?
The truth is out there. It's pretty simple. I eat an ordinary, humane diet most of the time. A typical day will see me consume 1800-2400 calories spread over 6-8 small meals. Six days a week, you will find me in the neighborhood gym doing strength training and cardiovascular exercise.
I stand 6'2, and weigh about 210 pounds. I'm not ridiculously muscular or waifish, but I'm also not morbidly obese. I take the condition of my physical health seriously.
It's just that - from time to time - I enjoy a good 'cheat' meal. I break the bounds of ordinary, and move into the extraordinary.
I've eaten 7000 calorie meals........ I've probably also eaten enough fat in one sitting to render most individuals senseless. I just don't make it into an everyday routine.
If I did, I'd need a much bigger pair of pants.
And, quite possibly, a doctor who makes house calls. Lots of them.
My cholesterol, heart-rate, and blood pressure numbers are in the ballpark for healthy individuals of my age range.
If I ever believed that my eating was endangering my health or life, I would give it up. Nothing is worth risking your life over. There's a million other pursuits I could pursue if I wasn't so busy pondering my next big meal.
By some miracle (okay, biology and physiology), your body is not really able to absorb the calories from food in monstrous doses. I can eat the occasional huge meal without great negative impact because of this fact. It mostly passes through - painfully sometimes - but it passes.
I might have a metabolism that's slighter higher than normal. I can't answer to that. But I do know that I have a stomach capacity that's higher than most people's.
And I enjoy being able to fill it.
I'd say that my 'cheat meals' (i.e. challenges) come about once per week. Typically, I won't eat anything else until the next day afterward.... often because it's physically impossible to stuff anything else in the tank.
I realize it's not healthy to habitually overeat and overwhelm your body. So, I have to let the machinery rest and recover.... even a star athlete can't run the marathon everyday.
I have my monster meal, and then I go back to my old diet and exercise plan.
It takes some time to appreciate that. Fresno is hidden beyond hundreds of miles of paved highway and farmland on all sides. But once you get to the city, you can see that it is full of life and worth visiting.
I found Fresno on my way back from another one of my famous drives up north. Returning from San Jose, I pulled through Gilroy to sample some of that famous garlic ice cream (it's delicious!) and decided to take Highway 152 east all the way to the great city of Fresno.
Why would I venture to Fresno, you ask? Isn't it the gateway to some famous tree park? Well, maybe. But what brought me to Fresno was the same pull that brought me to the Bay Area a week earlier.
That's right.... food. Oversized portions of food, to be exact. Some restaurant or another was offering a grotesquely large meal that would be free if I could eat it all in a set period of time. It's my hobby, after all. I am a competitive eater.
And what could be better than eating for free?
(Money, fame, notoriety, power . . . those would sweeten the deal, but alas, none of those were up for grabs this time out. I would have to settle for a clean bill)
I actually had a good trip in Northern California. I visited the Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco, got caught up in the typical tourist traps, sampled Ghirardelli's ice cream, and even conquered three eating challenges before the necessity of returning to ordinary life caught up with me.
This necessity -- to go home -- brought me to Fresno. I drove east along highway 152 and found myself in a beautiful city, complete with street lights, paved roads, concrete buildings, sunlight, and snow-capped mountains in the distance.
I could have called Fresno home.... except for the fact that my actual home was some 400 miles south.
What called my name in the great city of Fresno was a little breakfast spot called "Batter Up Pancakes." Yes, the baseball theme is obvious, complete with the picture of a little-boy-swinging-a-baseball-bat as the shop's icon -- all over the walls, door, and menu -- but it was cute. I like how the word "batter" was also a pun referring to the wet doughy substance that eventually became pancakes after you applied them to a griddle.
Batter Up Pancakes was offering a breakfast feast called "The Grand Slam Challenge," which is really just ten scrambled eggs with diced potatoes and cheese atop a 25-ounce pancake. The menu said it should feed 4-6 persons, but it would be free to any diner who could stomach it alone.
I'm always up for a challenge!
But there was more, the server told me. This particular challenge had never been answered before. The closest anyone had come was about halfway, and that particular diner needed to use a garbage can after his 45-minute time limit expired.
I was intrigued by this place before I even placed my order. The short-order cooks flipped oversized pancakes using large spatulas in clear view of the customers. I couldn't tell how big the flapjacks were, but they were big! Paul Bunyan would have been proud.
"So," I asked the cashier as I paid for meal, "will I be eating one of those pancakes?"
"Oh, no," she responded without missing a beat. "You'll be eating five of our regular pancakes!"
Holy hell! Their basic pancake weighed in at five ounces! What was I in for, attempting to eat a 25-ounce pancake? It would take me days to chew through all that flour.
I sat down determined to make history in Fresno. I would be the first person to eat this insane breakfast meal.
Okay, some honesty is in order now. I really didn't know if I could do it right there at the beginning. I had conquered many eating challenges before, but this was something I had never encountered.
This was an original concoction!
It looked beautiful and delicious.
I never knew what ten scrambled eggs looked like before. Now I knew.
I never knew what a 25-ounce pancake looked like before. Now I knew.
Looking at the plate brought out in front of me, I felt smarter. Enlightened.
I felt hungry! I hadn't eaten since the previous evening. It was 12:00 noon, and here was 4-5 pounds of scrumptious grub arranged in front of me.
People crowded around to take photos, as usual. I'm used to being the total public spectacle when I take on these food challenges.
The manager of the restaurant explained the rules to me. Nothing fancy - you have 45 minutes to eat this thing, no bathroom breaks, you can't leave the restaurant, and you can't get help. Eat it all and it's free.
He started the timer - and I dug in!
It was absolutely delicious, as I recall. I concentrated on the egg medley, taking in spoonful after warm spoonful until I had rendered the 1.5 pound pancake naked and helpless. I blazed through the egg, potato, and cheese mix in barely 12 minutes. I would have plenty of time to eat the pancake.
Of course, chomping through that much bread is much harder than it looks. I tore off huge chunks of the pancake and ate it with my hands. I wasn't chancing it by looking dainty and using silverware. I took a bite of pancake, then took a good drink of water to push it down. Bite, drink, swallow.
Bite, drink, swallow. Bite, drink, swallow.
When I had about half the pancake left, I felt that I couldn't take another bite. My mouth was dry as a bone.... my stomach felt stuffed up with floury evil. But I was determined not to lose! With the whole restaurant watching me, I pushed on.... I poured my water cup all over the remaining pancake and let it soak into a soft, gooey mess. I kept eating.
I finished the meal at the 42nd minute. I made history in Fresno!
The restaurant crowd exploded into cheers and applause. No one had seen this done before. No one believed it was possible.
I became some sort of local eating star. Everyone wanted to take my picture with the empty plate. Nearly every employee of the restaurant came out to shake my hand. One of them took my name and picture and gave me some face-time on Facebook.
My name and picture are the first to adorn Batter Up Pancakes' "Wall of Fame." I set the standard that day. I was the champion! (I'm exaggerating this a bit, but let me have my moment!)
I received my refund, a souvenir mug, a free t-shirt, and an all-around salute.
I never saw as many smiling faces as I saw that day.
Fresno - such a beautiful city, and so many memories.
I don't think I can make it any simpler than that.
Ever since I was in high school, friends and family have always commented on my ability to pack away a lot of food.
People used to say, "You should become a pro eater." I actually had no idea what that was. It wasn't until recently - maybe five or six years ago - that I remotely knew who Joey Chestnut and Takeru Kobayashi were.
Of course, I don't eat like those guys. Running through 65 hot dogs in 10 minutes isn't my thing. I can't eat that obscenely fast, for one, and to be honest I like to enjoy my food. I'm a high-capacity eater. I go the distance.
It probably isn't normal for anyone to sit down and eat 6-8 pounds of food. It's probably not normal for anyone to eat for two hours straight.
But this is what I do. I eat for fun. I eat for sport.
I'm not a "professional" eater -- I don't earn any money doing this. I would call myself a competitor. I'm always pushing myself to eat more, eat faster, to take down that restaurant challenge that no one's done yet... to eat until the server at the buffet notices my stack of dirty plates and begs me to leave.
Until recently, I didn't even know that restaurants had challenges.
This burger's free if I can eat it all in an hour?
No way! Sign me up!
I've made a hobby of this.... finding restaurants with challenges, venturing out to them, and accomplishing the task. This blog is really my attempt to document this pursuit.
I think myself of as an independent competitive eater. No organization backs me up. It's just me against the food in front of me. Some days I win (okay, most days I win), some days I lose, but I always have a good time... and plenty of tales to go around.
