Epic Fail Time

20,000 calories may be possible in one meal, but you aren't going to get there by eating 8 lbs of trail mix. I learned that the "hard" way last Friday. Everything in the bag required laborious chewing. Nothing softened, even doused in pumpkin ice cream.

The concept was still a success. It was arranged as a school-community event in Yucca Valley, my students were invited to watch and complete observational assignments, and everyone else who came to watch loved it. The Hi Desert Star actually mentioned the event in last Saturday's paper. Channel 2 News in nearby Palm Springs requested event photographs and a write-up.

One of these days, I'll find an effective way to concoct an edible 20k calorie meal. Trail mix seemed smart: it's calorie dense, so you get high calorie counts without adding on a ton of weight. Maybe I'll take a cue from Johnnie Excel and load up on mayonnaise next time out.

I stopped after eating for 80 minutes... wasn't so full as much as I was tired and disgusted. Even turning the leftover portions into thick, blended smoothies didn't help. You'd be surprised, but they tasted pretty good.

In an epic encounter, food won. There's a large amount of video footage from this stunt, and it will be making its way onto YouTube shortly.

20K Is Pho Real

There haven't been many updates on this site lately. So, here I go. You're looking at the Pho Real Challenge, offered at the Bamboo Cafe in Simi Valley. It's comparable to most other pho challenges I've done.. 2 lbs of noodles, and 2 lbs of meats. I powered through the bowl in 18 minutes. That was second best to the house record of 12 minutes, set by another competitive eater a month before. Winners get a free shirt and a $25 refund.

The funniest detail of this challenge came from a customer seated several rows behind me. He ordered his own pho challenge bowl several minutes before me, but was still working on it long after I'd been declared a winner.

"What the hell? He's done? That guy's a beast. He's gotta have a tapeworm or something."

Well, tapeworm or not, it made for some good eating.

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20K Club Revisited

Though the subject has sat dormant for months, I will be making a serious attempt at entering the 20k club tomorrow. If this subject makes no sense to you (or if you think I'm about to go running), 20k refers to calories consumed. Matt Stonie, Johnnie Excel, and I were discussing the feasibility of eating 20,000 calories in one sitting using real foods and nothing much came of the project but research.

Tomorrow comes action. Pictures and a report will follow.

School Lunch

Not all schools offer their students pre-packaged industrial goop. The last school I worked for had a cook staff on hand, preparing every meal by hand. Some stuff came out of cans, but a lot of it was good. I miss the chili cheese fries. Pasta wasn't bad by half.

Snow Go

I wouldn't recommend triyng it, but a snowstorm in the High Desert will literally dish out the world's biggest unflavored snow cone. Hard to say which part of the car you'd want to eat from.

Burger War

This Saturday at 7PM, Lumpy's Diner in Antioch will host a true gastrointestinal joust. Their 3rd annual Burger Eating Championship will gather the best collection of independent talent since the Derby Deli's West Coast Hot Dog Eating Championship last month.

Competitors have twelve minutes to eat as many burgers as they can. The winner walks away with a custom champion's belt and a handsome cash prize of several hundred dollars. Last year's runner-up, Johnnie Excel, looks to promote to the top slot in 2011.

So who's going to give Johnnie some competiton? There are a few names on the list. Dax Swanson, who's been on a strong run lately, will be there to represent Norcal. Mary Bowers, a recent entrant to the California competitive eating scene, will be appearing in her third contest this Saturday and promises to bring "elegance and etiquette" to the sanctioned insanity.

I will be competing as well, making this the eighth time in 2011 I've shared a contest stage with Excel. It's ironic but I've competed against him more than any other eater. One of these days (or so I vow) I will catch him.

So who else might be playing? There will be plenty of local players to represent the neighborhood. But, other names like Greg Moss, Kevin Ross, Tom Gilbert, and even Stephanie Torres come to mind. We'll have to see how things shape up Saturday night.

Let the burger bash begin.

Orochan's Bowl of Lava

Ah yes, we continue with a hot story already in progress. The incredibly spicy Special #2 ramen challenge at Orochan Ramen in Los Angeles will net you a pic on the "Wall of Bravery" if you can survive.

So how hot was it? Well, aside from the few noodles, vegetables, and peppers in the bowl, you are dealing  with red chili powder dissolved in water. It's hell in a bowl. It's gonna be hell in your mouth, hell in your esophagus, hell in your stomach, hell in your intestines... you get the picture.

I powered through the bowl in 20 minutes via sheer stubbornness. As my coworker and friend Steve Mucci put it: "There's no pause button with you." And he's right. I drained the bowl mostly with large gulps, but I used a straw at times.

Luckily the friend who accompanied me was not Mucci, but a medical student from back East. What happened next mixes equal parts comedy, insanity, and medical emergency. We left the ramen house in search of some ice cream to celebrate. My stomach started cramping as we walked, and each step became increasingly laborious.

Well, that should teach me not to eat such hot food on any empty stomach (note to self: your strength is capacity challenges. Skip the hot stuff in the future). I stumbled a bit, the pain in my gut enough to make me double over. Within minutes I was laying on the sidewalk in the Little Tokyo shopping district.

A few kids on skateboards came up to me. They could tell I was in mortal pain, but I waved them away. Damn kids, can't you see I'm hurting? Don't even wanna talk. Get on your boards and get the hell away from me.

My friend had already ran to the local drugstore when he saw me doubled over. He nearly called 911 when he saw me sprawled out on the concrete. Well, the future doctor brought me the right prescription: a roll of Tums, two packages of Pepto-Bismol, and a bottle of water. Everything went down the hatch. Then I waited. The rumbling stopped, and I could walk about.

I felt golden again. Couldn't say no to green tea ice cream at that point.

And this is where I should probably forget to report tackling a team pizza challenge with Matt "Sweet Tooth" Cohen that evening, after the ramen. But what the hell. No pause button.

Preview: Lava In a Bowl

The next full post will detail my struggle against a hot-as-hell bowl of ramen. If you dare, head over to Orochan Ramen in Los Angeles, CA and order the Special #2. On this challenge, only the strong shall survive. If your insides can endure this, you may as well start drinking pure lava from the nearest volcanic source.

This is not about volume. It's pure unadulterated heat, physical fire disguised as nutrition. And boy, do I have a story to share.

Super Bowl of Pho

A small restaurant in Alhambra offers a pho eating challenge. Of course, you must know about it going in. There's no mention of it anywhere inside the place. It's not on the menu. It's not the wall. I bet regular customers don't even have a damn clue about it. Ask, and ye shall receive. I knew about it because of a listing on eatfeats.

It's not your standard pho challenge, but it's fair. You have one hour to entirely consume three large bowls of piping hot Vietnamese soup.. that's beef, noodles, broth, and all. It's about $25 if you fail. I used ice water to cool it down, but in the end the toughest part is drinking all the salty broth. At least I wasn't dehydrated afterward. No cameras followed me, but I think a few people would get a kick out of seeing me drink some of the broth through a straw.

When I finished, the server came over and expressed a bit of dismay. He wanted to know how I managed to finish under 30 minutes, when all of the previous winners needed just under an hour. I didn't have an answer. Maybe I pushed myself a bit harder than they did.

The size of this challenge is not overwhelming in any case. An hour later, I managed to eat a meal at In-N-Out while visiting relatives nearby. If you like pho, give this place a try. Their vanilla pudding wasn't bad either. Don't expect to see any writing on the wall.