Burger War

This Saturday at 7PM, Lumpy's Diner in Antioch will host a true gastrointestinal joust. Their 3rd annual Burger Eating Championship will gather the best collection of independent talent since the Derby Deli's West Coast Hot Dog Eating Championship last month.

Competitors have twelve minutes to eat as many burgers as they can. The winner walks away with a custom champion's belt and a handsome cash prize of several hundred dollars. Last year's runner-up, Johnnie Excel, looks to promote to the top slot in 2011.

So who's going to give Johnnie some competiton? There are a few names on the list. Dax Swanson, who's been on a strong run lately, will be there to represent Norcal. Mary Bowers, a recent entrant to the California competitive eating scene, will be appearing in her third contest this Saturday and promises to bring "elegance and etiquette" to the sanctioned insanity.

I will be competing as well, making this the eighth time in 2011 I've shared a contest stage with Excel. It's ironic but I've competed against him more than any other eater. One of these days (or so I vow) I will catch him.

So who else might be playing? There will be plenty of local players to represent the neighborhood. But, other names like Greg Moss, Kevin Ross, Tom Gilbert, and even Stephanie Torres come to mind. We'll have to see how things shape up Saturday night.

Let the burger bash begin.

Getting Fat in Burbank

Last Saturday was epic by any standard for consumption. Fatburger in Burbank hosted a 12-patty, 6 lb burger eating contest. Ok, so maybe it's a quasi-challenge as well. This beast is four times the size of the standard Triple Kingburger Challenge. The first competitor to completely annihilate their burger tower would win $50, basically refunding the purchase price of $29 and putting some $20 in the pocket. Competitive eating isn't always about the money. Sometimes, it's about the eating.

6 lbs of ground beef is no mean feat. The contest was open to the public, but as of high noon only two people had shown up. I was there, and so was Mary "I Like 'Em Hot" Bowers, in her third appearance at an eating contest. A local man named Luis was convinced to join us. Surely, he is a brave man.

We conducted some pre-contest interviews, we sat down, and all of a sudden we were eating. This would be the single largest portion of ground beef I would attempt to consume in a meal. Luis was the first man to drop out, and in stunning fashion, his daughter took his place and conitnued to eat for several minutes. The father-daughter team finished half.

Mary refused to quit. Her progress became muted as time passed, and after finishing about the half the tower she stopped the experiment. 3 lbs of beef is still excellent. It's early for Mary, and judging from my own trajectory, she's got better days ahead in this game.

In all honesty, I was suffering after finishing 5.5 lbs of beef. It was so greasy! The last half pound was a ketchup-laden, Coke-soaked struggle. One staff member poked fun at me for twirling the last few pieces in my hand. I didn't want to eat, but at that point, it wasn't about eating. It was time to win.

It was all over at 32 agonizing minutes. There was no time limit, no incentive to rush, but in those final minutes I wish I'd stepped it up from the get-go. That's another challenge-contest for the record books.


Next year, when they host the contest again, Fatburger in Burbank is aiming for a company record: 20 patties. 10 lbs of ground beef. We'll see if I can survive that.

But one thing's for sure: Luis and his daughter unexpectedly shared a wonderful and entertaining experience. I'm not a gambling man, but I hope they come back to the table. They had too much fun out there.