Starchy Times

Giligin's Bar is a small establishment in Scottsdale, AZ. I visited them in January 2011 and to my surprise their menu included five or six eating challenges. There was standard fare, such as the hot wings that promised to rupture your colon, and the 12-egg omelet. I like to experience the bizarre. The 20-corndog challenge stood out. What grabbed my attention was the 5 lb tater tot challenge.

You get one hour to devour the pile for a free meal and a $50 house credit. Is this much starch and grease ever a good idea?

In a word, no. In a thousand words, look at the photo above. I should have went with the corndogs.

Big Papi's Burrito

Papi Chulo's Cantina in Scottsdale, AZ tempts the big eater with a massive 6.2 lb burrito. A poster by the doorway compares their "Big Papi" burrito to a small child. It begs a question with an obvious answer.

Yes, I'm ready to eat the weight of a small child in delicious Mexican food!

There it is. A small football covered in sauce and Parmesan cheese. If you want to get this behemoth on the house, you gotta wolf it down in 30 minutes. Stephanie Torres set the standard at the end of 2010 by annihilating this burrito under 3 minutes.

In true comic fashion, the manager asked me if I was planning on busting the record. I promptly replied: "Hell no, I'm just hoping to eat this thing." Inquiring after the rules, I was told there was no silverware requirement. So when the clock started I went to town.

This was the first big-burrito challenge I'd ever attempted using my hands. It was messy as hell. Food particles assaulted every inch of my hands. The innards of the burrito confronted me with a variety of tastes: salsa, cilantro, meat, peas, corn, beans, lettuce. A lot of everything really.

Done in 11 minutes and 4 seconds. That was the new second-best time for the challenge. They even gave me a certificate noting my time, and the date of completion in January 2011. The manager also gave me a $20 gift card for my next visit.

My only regret was using my hands. When I jabbed my knife into the tortilla, it literally went nowhere. Knife be damned.