Meats and Sweets

Time to report a Tucson double header. Not one eating challenge, but two, roughly 45 minutes apart during a roadtrip last January. All that driving and hanging out with friends and make you hungry. Tucson has a few big meals to satiate that drive.

La Botana serves up a 5 lb burrito challenge, but my gut tells me it weighed more than 5 lbs. You get 45 minutes to finish this behemoth or you'll fork over $30. The insides are filled with steak, rice, potatoes, freshly sliced jalapenos, salsa, and cheese.

There was no reason to rush on this one. It tasted incredible. I really liked the red sauce the potatoes were cooked in. My completion time of 18 minutes wasn't shocking, but the staff sure acted like it. Michelle the "Cardboard Shell" completed this burrito before her MLE days, and that's how I stumbled onto the restaurant.

After a burrito, it was time for dessert. I was going in for a rematch against the 9000 calorie Sugar OD offered up at Something Sweet Dessert Lounge. I'd already conquered this sugary monster, but they have nothing against repeat offenders.

Huge brownies, collosal chunks of cheesecake, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, nuts, and a cherry! This monstrosity is a full-on meal. When I ventured inside, the Wall of Fame consisted entirely of 4 serious eaters. It's not for the faint of heart. As tough as it was last time, I was back for more.

Things went more smoothly this time. Despite my earlier meal, I improved my completion time from 30 minutes down to 23. "Cardboard Shell" was the first finisher of this challenge, and still maintains the house record of 15 minutes 11 seconds. I'm happy enough being the first person to finish it twice. That's a ton of sugar. The "brownie sludge" at the end was the hardest part.. it was like chomping into sweet dirt. I'd say it needs more ice cream to keep the pile interesting.

One of these days, I'll learn to eat like normal people.

Big Papi's Burrito

Papi Chulo's Cantina in Scottsdale, AZ tempts the big eater with a massive 6.2 lb burrito. A poster by the doorway compares their "Big Papi" burrito to a small child. It begs a question with an obvious answer.

Yes, I'm ready to eat the weight of a small child in delicious Mexican food!

There it is. A small football covered in sauce and Parmesan cheese. If you want to get this behemoth on the house, you gotta wolf it down in 30 minutes. Stephanie Torres set the standard at the end of 2010 by annihilating this burrito under 3 minutes.

In true comic fashion, the manager asked me if I was planning on busting the record. I promptly replied: "Hell no, I'm just hoping to eat this thing." Inquiring after the rules, I was told there was no silverware requirement. So when the clock started I went to town.

This was the first big-burrito challenge I'd ever attempted using my hands. It was messy as hell. Food particles assaulted every inch of my hands. The innards of the burrito confronted me with a variety of tastes: salsa, cilantro, meat, peas, corn, beans, lettuce. A lot of everything really.

Done in 11 minutes and 4 seconds. That was the new second-best time for the challenge. They even gave me a certificate noting my time, and the date of completion in January 2011. The manager also gave me a $20 gift card for my next visit.

My only regret was using my hands. When I jabbed my knife into the tortilla, it literally went nowhere. Knife be damned.

That's the Thing

The open road is boring repetitiveness after awhile. Like those madly repeating backgrounds from old cartoons. A visual song on infinite loop.

That's why enterprising people set up tourist traps. They catch suckers driving along these lonely highways.


The Thing is a famous stop near Tucson, AZ. It's a mixture of gift shop and mystery museum affixed to a Dairy Queen restaurant. Pure genius. The weary traveler's money pit. A little curiosity in the middle of nowhere.

Signs along both directions of the I-10 warn you to stop and see "The Thing."

I won't spoil the mystery involved. It was a special memory from a trip taken with family several years ago. My recent stop in 2011 was total nostalgia.

Warnings and beckonings persist for hundreds of miles on the freeway. You're primed to stop and see this place.


The thing is... there's nothing else there!